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Well, you can't say I didn't try. I did. I tried very hard to do a snarky review of the McDowall movie "Hello Down There". It got 10 minutes into the review, but it was just too painful.
However, from my pain you do get this snarktastic review of:
"Hello Down There!"
You know you're in trouble when a movie has guest stars /and/ special guest stars. Oh, why didn't I turn back while I still could. I blame Roddy McDowall, though I suppose it's not fair to blame someone who can't fight back.
We open on an animated sequence, wherein we are informed that this film is brought to us from the mind of Ivan Tors. Tors, it should be noted, also brought to us the tv series 'Daktari'. The credits are also lying to us, as this film is the child of a 4 person brain trust consisting of Tors, Frank "Gemini Man" Telford, John "Call Me Anna" McGreevy and a man named Art Arthur. That should've been warning bell number 2 right there.
The title animation flies off into the atmosphere to reveal: a band of singing, animated fish. Before everyone emails me informing me of the fact that it's "School of Fish", I am speaking of a literal band. With a goldfish on a drum kit. They also seem to be "singing" the same song that the theme song singer is singing. Why they didn't pick one over the other I do not know, nor do I wish to consider.
The theme singer seems to get bored with the song, replacing the lyrics with "deedle dee deedle dah down there". I don't blame him. The movie hasn't even started, and I'm bored already.
Special Guest Star: Merv Griffin. Well, why not? The theme song is sung by Jeff Barry, who I believe last did soundtrack work on May, so I suppose he's come up. A bit.
The animation sequence gives way to a 'real' underwater sequence, and a bizarre Weiner-Mobiley submarine. Entering the submarine, I am horrified to discover it being piloted by none other than Felix from The Odd Couple, who plays Miller; and Mr. Howell from Gilligan's Island, who is named TR. There are no words.
According to Miller, in the future there will be one foot of living space for every one person. So, he's building houses underwater! TR's only reaction to this, other than being annoyed that he's underwater, is to attempt to light a cigar, which almost immiediately sets his hand on fire. Oh, that TR!
Almost immiedietly, we cut back to the surface for lots of fun yelling and screaming. The upshot of it is that now Miller has to take his family underwater for 30 days to prove that it's suitable for human living in his strange Aqua-Dymaxion House. Miller insists that his family IS the typical American family.
Slash cut! Extreme closeup of drum kit! A strange, apelike teen is banging away on his drums and shaking his head as if he cannot quite believe he is in this film. Since he looks like the love child between Rene Zellwegger and Mickey Dolenz, I am praying to every god that exists that this is not our teen hero.
His fellow bandmembers twitch and convulse as if they are playing on a hot skillet, while they sing one of many awful songs in this film. Some choice lyrics: "I can't climb a mountain tall, oh no, I can't make the sun to shine, oh no. But IIIIIIIIIIIIII can love you!" Oh, can you? Can you kill me? Please?
Whilst they "sing", the maid wiggles her ass while dusting. Classy. She, identified as Myrtle, is played by Charlotte Rae. This also seems to be the exact same character she portrayed on both Facts of Life and Diffr'nt Strokes. Disturbingly, she's actually kinda hot in this at times. Stop staring at me.
Miller arrives home and greets his wife, who is typing up a storm. If a storm were two finger typed at 10 wpm. She, Vivian, is portrayed by Janet Leigh and I honestly cannot figure out what she could've done to warrant being in this movie. She seems to be some sort of writer, and is writing a book or movie or perhaps a play called "Forty Nights In A Harem". It is confirmed that she is, in fact, writing porn. Well, at least she's not writing this movie.
I am now getting visions of an underwater version of The Shining....
The blonde girl in the band, Lorrie, is Miller's daughter. Tommie, who I have not identified yet, is apparently the son. Myrtle claims that the band has found their sound and has been told so by Nate Ashbury.(oh, my spleen!) Nate, it would seem, is a boy millionaire who works around the clock. I know now that he must be played by Roddy McDowall, because Roddy was all into playing teenagers when he was in his mid-30s. Roddy was the first Luke Perry. Only actually attractive.
The band rushes off to deliver their new record. Miller is of course annoyed and distressed, so Myrtle offers her a swig of her "tonic". I can only assume that in the 60s it was okay to drink on the job, or that Myrtle and Miller have a little something on the side, because for the life of me I do not understand why he doesn't fire her. Sadly, he does not partake as he is "on the wagon".
This is where I take a break from the film, as I realise that I am nine minutes in, and nothing has happened.
Miller paces about the room, helpfully looking at a picture of his family so I know that Rene Dolenz is in fact NOT the teen hero of this film. Thank God.
Vivan's porn story is about a girl piano tuner in a harem. So...Vivian is the Anne Rice of the 60s? Good to know! This scene is too painful to completely recap, the gist of it is that he wants the family to live underwater. She is aquaphobic and wants him to die horribly.
Back to the band! We are forced to listen to their attrocious song once more, and this time we listen while staring at the back of a man's head. Is this what Hell feels like? The song ends, and the man (Nate) rolls around in his chair. And I was right! Hi, Roddy! I'm so sorry!
For some reason or another, he is wearing what can only be described as a tan version of Dr. Evil's outfit. He doesn't react right away to their "music", so they look disappointed and sad until he tells them it's "out of sight". He may say that, but his tone of voice and the look on his face clearly state "Kill me now, why won't you let me die?"
Let me just say right now that people like Roddy McDowall are not made to speak slang terms. What with their Shakespeare and their voices it just sounds so wrong. So out of place. Like Keanu Reeves as Hamlet.
ADDED BONUS:
"I shall be the first boy billionaire".
Ok, Roddy? You're almost 40. Seriously? Cut it out.
Oh good. There's nothing more disturbing than Roddy McDowall sitting on Mr. Howell's lap. I always wanted to be scarred for life.
The the last scene, all seems well until The Pentagon declares war on the underwater Dymaxion.
Thank you, Pentagon. Thank you.
Have not edited this. As that would mean reliving the horror. I am deeply sorry for any errors.
However, from my pain you do get this snarktastic review of:
"Hello Down There!"
You know you're in trouble when a movie has guest stars /and/ special guest stars. Oh, why didn't I turn back while I still could. I blame Roddy McDowall, though I suppose it's not fair to blame someone who can't fight back.
We open on an animated sequence, wherein we are informed that this film is brought to us from the mind of Ivan Tors. Tors, it should be noted, also brought to us the tv series 'Daktari'. The credits are also lying to us, as this film is the child of a 4 person brain trust consisting of Tors, Frank "Gemini Man" Telford, John "Call Me Anna" McGreevy and a man named Art Arthur. That should've been warning bell number 2 right there.
The title animation flies off into the atmosphere to reveal: a band of singing, animated fish. Before everyone emails me informing me of the fact that it's "School of Fish", I am speaking of a literal band. With a goldfish on a drum kit. They also seem to be "singing" the same song that the theme song singer is singing. Why they didn't pick one over the other I do not know, nor do I wish to consider.
The theme singer seems to get bored with the song, replacing the lyrics with "deedle dee deedle dah down there". I don't blame him. The movie hasn't even started, and I'm bored already.
Special Guest Star: Merv Griffin. Well, why not? The theme song is sung by Jeff Barry, who I believe last did soundtrack work on May, so I suppose he's come up. A bit.
The animation sequence gives way to a 'real' underwater sequence, and a bizarre Weiner-Mobiley submarine. Entering the submarine, I am horrified to discover it being piloted by none other than Felix from The Odd Couple, who plays Miller; and Mr. Howell from Gilligan's Island, who is named TR. There are no words.
According to Miller, in the future there will be one foot of living space for every one person. So, he's building houses underwater! TR's only reaction to this, other than being annoyed that he's underwater, is to attempt to light a cigar, which almost immiediately sets his hand on fire. Oh, that TR!
Almost immiedietly, we cut back to the surface for lots of fun yelling and screaming. The upshot of it is that now Miller has to take his family underwater for 30 days to prove that it's suitable for human living in his strange Aqua-Dymaxion House. Miller insists that his family IS the typical American family.
Slash cut! Extreme closeup of drum kit! A strange, apelike teen is banging away on his drums and shaking his head as if he cannot quite believe he is in this film. Since he looks like the love child between Rene Zellwegger and Mickey Dolenz, I am praying to every god that exists that this is not our teen hero.
His fellow bandmembers twitch and convulse as if they are playing on a hot skillet, while they sing one of many awful songs in this film. Some choice lyrics: "I can't climb a mountain tall, oh no, I can't make the sun to shine, oh no. But IIIIIIIIIIIIII can love you!" Oh, can you? Can you kill me? Please?
Whilst they "sing", the maid wiggles her ass while dusting. Classy. She, identified as Myrtle, is played by Charlotte Rae. This also seems to be the exact same character she portrayed on both Facts of Life and Diffr'nt Strokes. Disturbingly, she's actually kinda hot in this at times. Stop staring at me.
Miller arrives home and greets his wife, who is typing up a storm. If a storm were two finger typed at 10 wpm. She, Vivian, is portrayed by Janet Leigh and I honestly cannot figure out what she could've done to warrant being in this movie. She seems to be some sort of writer, and is writing a book or movie or perhaps a play called "Forty Nights In A Harem". It is confirmed that she is, in fact, writing porn. Well, at least she's not writing this movie.
I am now getting visions of an underwater version of The Shining....
The blonde girl in the band, Lorrie, is Miller's daughter. Tommie, who I have not identified yet, is apparently the son. Myrtle claims that the band has found their sound and has been told so by Nate Ashbury.(oh, my spleen!) Nate, it would seem, is a boy millionaire who works around the clock. I know now that he must be played by Roddy McDowall, because Roddy was all into playing teenagers when he was in his mid-30s. Roddy was the first Luke Perry. Only actually attractive.
The band rushes off to deliver their new record. Miller is of course annoyed and distressed, so Myrtle offers her a swig of her "tonic". I can only assume that in the 60s it was okay to drink on the job, or that Myrtle and Miller have a little something on the side, because for the life of me I do not understand why he doesn't fire her. Sadly, he does not partake as he is "on the wagon".
This is where I take a break from the film, as I realise that I am nine minutes in, and nothing has happened.
Miller paces about the room, helpfully looking at a picture of his family so I know that Rene Dolenz is in fact NOT the teen hero of this film. Thank God.
Vivan's porn story is about a girl piano tuner in a harem. So...Vivian is the Anne Rice of the 60s? Good to know! This scene is too painful to completely recap, the gist of it is that he wants the family to live underwater. She is aquaphobic and wants him to die horribly.
Back to the band! We are forced to listen to their attrocious song once more, and this time we listen while staring at the back of a man's head. Is this what Hell feels like? The song ends, and the man (Nate) rolls around in his chair. And I was right! Hi, Roddy! I'm so sorry!
For some reason or another, he is wearing what can only be described as a tan version of Dr. Evil's outfit. He doesn't react right away to their "music", so they look disappointed and sad until he tells them it's "out of sight". He may say that, but his tone of voice and the look on his face clearly state "Kill me now, why won't you let me die?"
Let me just say right now that people like Roddy McDowall are not made to speak slang terms. What with their Shakespeare and their voices it just sounds so wrong. So out of place. Like Keanu Reeves as Hamlet.
ADDED BONUS:
"I shall be the first boy billionaire".
Ok, Roddy? You're almost 40. Seriously? Cut it out.
Oh good. There's nothing more disturbing than Roddy McDowall sitting on Mr. Howell's lap. I always wanted to be scarred for life.
The the last scene, all seems well until The Pentagon declares war on the underwater Dymaxion.
Thank you, Pentagon. Thank you.
Have not edited this. As that would mean reliving the horror. I am deeply sorry for any errors.