karra: (riki lindhome)
I have a list somewhere of bad things about myself, or rather bad thoughts I have when something upsets me. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Things like how much a loser I feel like at the moment, or how I shouldn't be surprised when people stop talking to me, or whatever. I don't know. It's probably not particularly helpful.

I try to make a list of good things about myself too, it's not very long though. I can't really think of anything. I don't know if that means there's not really anything good about me lately, or that winter sucks and I can't think of anything.

I really hope my brain will stop this shit when I'm able to get that daylamp thing.

I'm annoyed with myself because I don't think I'm being a very good friend to Jeri or [profile] agirl_gonemad, but i don't really know what to do about it. I try not talking about my problems, and I don't think that helps. I don't think anyone really wants to talk to me anyway, and then I think about that and it feels stupid. But then later it doesn't. I don't *want* to feel like a bad friend to someone who is my best friend.

A lot of times I feel like I'm people's afterthoughts, and then later that feels stupid too.

I'm working on apping a game, I don't know if that will help or hinder. I hope the former.
karra: (you are paul rudd)
I hate being unhappy. I wish I knew what would make me happy. I wish I didn't feel like people hated me now, or avoided or anything like that. Even if I know that it's not true. Or at least am pretty sure.

Maybe I need someone to tell me specifically 'I am not avoiding you' 'I don't hate you' or 'stop being so stupid'. I don't know. I feel stupid asking people if they do/are/whatever, but I feel stupid anyway. Plus, what if they say "yes, I'm avoiding you" or "no, you're not my friend anymore"? What then?

I have anxiety, and I have no reason for it. (Or maybe I do?) I'm not late on any bills, not on any homework. Was I like this last year? Is it just winter? Maybe. I don't know. I don't even have anything to distract myself with.

This is stupid. I'm just being stupid. Or something. I don't know.

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karra

June 2013

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